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— Summary —
To have confidence:
1. Decide to have it. Make it an intention. You don’t need to achieve anything more, you simply need to decide to feel and generate confidence on a more consistent and conscious basis.
2. Live with integrity for who you are and what you believe. When you are being fully alive and authentic and true to yourself, you feel confident.
3. Get more competent. Go gather more knowledge, skill, and abilities in the areas that you are passionate about and need to perform well in. More competence = more confidence.
4. Get momentum. Take more action. Life isn’t about perfection it’s about progress. The more action you take the more progress you’ll sense and the more confident you’ll feel that you are on path.
5. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If you don’t have a supportive community, go create one. No excuses. A positive peer set will help you feel more confident.
— Begin Full Transcript —
Alright, let’s rock and roll: this is 5 Steps to Having More Confidence in Your Life.
- Number one, decide.
You need no reason whatsoever to be more confident.
Just make the decision to be confident—you don’t need a reason. You don’t need 50 people to tell you that you’re amazing, or you’re beautiful, or we love you. You just have to say,
“You know what, today I’m going to lift my head up a little bit. Today, I’m going to give myself a little bit of credit. Today, I’m just going to be confident. I’m going to walk into this room. I’m going to stand tall, as if I were an incredibly confident person for no other reason than that’s my intention right now.”
That’s it. That’s the power of intention. It’s the power of the self-directed human being—that we just get to choose how we want to feel.
You could be happy right now for no reason, for no reason at all. You could just say, “You know what, I’ve decided to be happy in my life.” You don’t need 50 things to make you happy; you just sense the moment and feel grateful for life, and you’re good to go.
We overcomplicate these things. We think we have to have, you know, some big long psychological story and build-up, to suddenly one day wake up and be more confident. No we don’t. We have to wake up one more and say, “Today, I’m going to be confident.”
Have you ever had a day where you just crushed it? Where you got so much done you were like wow! At the end of the day you were like man, I just crushed it today. That happened because you woke up in the morning you said, “I’m going to get some stuff done today.” You had the intention to be a productive human being that day.
So, why not set the intention to be a confident human being that day? Why not set the intention to be a loving person or an ambitious person or a fun person or a flirty person or a sexy person, or whatever kind of person that you want to be? Just decide—you don’t need a bunch of stuff.
People really get this one wrong and what happens is, if you don’t have the intention in the moment to say,
“I’m going to be confident. I’m just going to allow that to come up. I’m going to feel that sense and feeling what confidence is for me and express that genuinely and real for myself.”
In the vacuum of intention, arises impulse and often from that impulse through our brain stem up comes worry, concern, fear, the paying attention to what is wrong so that we can fix it, flee or escape.
We have to have intention for who we are and what we’re going to be.
It begins with you simply deciding to be a confident person. I changed my life when I did that. I realize, and this was way back in college, for me. I just thought, “I want to be a confident person, how is this going to happen? Do I have to wait until I’m 50, after I’ve achieved everything, made some money or maybe people like me somewhere?” Get over it.
We should get over our stuff and one day just realize that real confidence is simply having the ability to genuinely express who we truly are and to pursue things that we truly desire. That’s confidence.
Confidence doesn’t have to mean you’re leaping over tall buildings.
Confidence means you’re being who you are, authentically, for no other reason. No one gave you permission you just decided to be who you are. You decided to chase your dreams—that’s confidence.
Believing in yourself and where you’re going, that’s confidence.
It doesn’t take a lot of magic. From that decision to be confident, just because… Just because we want to feel that sense of strength in our own bodies, that sense of energy and joy of expressing who we are and chasing what we want. Everything rolls from there.
The human develops in its psyche. We develop a real sense of confidence coming from a sense of integrity for ourselves. Integrity is, “I know who I am and I’m being that, consistently. I know what I want and I am chasing that consistently.”
Second? Integrity. Being aligned with who you are, your values, your beliefs and your dreams, having integrity, that gives us confidence in self. That our self can stand on its own and be itself and do what it desires. That gives us a sense of confidence.
How have you been doing in that department? Have you been really demonstrating who you are to the world? Have you allowed yourself to do that? Because if you do that over a period of time, the self, and I would argue the soul, senses a coherence.
There’s a cohesive sense of identity that comes from being consistent to the best of who we are.
Confidence comes from that and that too is will, it is decision, it is a desire to want to be a person of integrity and confidence, and that’s where it stems from.
I think that if you decide to be confident, and you have integrity in who you are being and what it is you’re seeking in life, and your values, then you’re good.
Third, it really comes down to competency.
Psychologists often call it the confidence-competence loop. As you become more competent in something you learn how to do it, you’re more confident in doing it.
As you’ve learned how to ride a bike and you’ve rode the bike more and more and more, you became more skilled at it. You developed more confidence in your ability to ride the bike.
When you go into a situation for first time, be okay with being uncertain. Be okay with being uncomfortable. Be okay with not knowing how it’s going to turn out, because this is your first time. But stumble into it anyway, because if you stumble into it you develop skill. You develop comfort with it and then suddenly one day you wake up and say, “I’m pretty confident in doing this.” Nothing changed in who you are. What changed is your level of competency, knowledge, skill and ability. That’s what competency is… knowledge, skill, ability and talent.
So, when we finally realize,
“Oh wow, I just need to learn a little more here and I’ll be more confident. I just need to apply this a little bit more here and I’ll be more confident.”
As you develop skills and abilities in your life in your unique areas, you become more confident.
To do that it requires the fourth thing, which is momentum.
Momentum is key to confidence.
When we stop having any momentum in our life we often feel lost, confused or down. We start losing that connection with our strength and our self, so we have to take more action to develop more confidence. That means we have to say, “What is it I truly want,” and then start moving towards it on a consistent basis, before we know the whole plan, often.
A lot of people think that your decision is your destiny, and sometimes I’m like, I don’t know about that. A lot of people decide to lose weight. A lot of people decide to be a loving spouse. A lot of people decide to do something good, but they don’t.
It’s disciplined action that is your destiny.
Often, some of the best decisions in your life come after you have momentum at something and then you’ve gained some more perspective. But a lot of us are waiting for the perfect plan, the perfect time, the perfect person, the perfect thing to pursue our goals or our dreams, and it’s that waiting that often dampens our confidence. Because, we’re at the external, we’re sort of at the whim of the world a little bit. Maybe we get lucky and that person comes in, maybe the funding comes through, whatever it is.
We have to, instead, say, “What can I do to begin this? What can I do now to begin?” Because, even if you begin and you’re not sure, you don’t have to know the whole path.
Sometimes the whole stairway is not illuminated until you take that first step, as we learned from Martin Luther King, right? It’s like, sometimes it’s that first step and then the staircase emerges, then we can see. So for yourself, as soon as you take that first step, that says in your mind, “Hey, you know what, I took a step. Good for me,” and then you start making better and better decisions, because you’re able to see more.
Often you don’t know where you’re going in life until you start jogging towards something. Still just run in place, run somewhere, but as soon as you run things open up to you and you say oh, look at this, look at this, look at this.
People often say, “I wish I had more vision for my life, Brendon.” I say, “It’s hard to have vision for your life if you’ve never seen anything.” Get outside of the house, turn off the TV, turn off the computer, go see the world a little bit, you’ll gain a little bit more vision and with more vision and momentum towards the things you want you will have more confident.
So it begins with deciding. Really, you need nothing more confident, but if you need something go with integrity. Be more of who you truly are. Chase what you truly desire. Be smart enough to know that you have to, have to, have to, have to, have to, develop more competency at the things you’re interested in. More competency more confidence. You have to realize, oh my gosh, there is no reason in the world that you cannot, yourself, with very simple moves, gain more momentum. More momentum more progress, more progress more confidence.
And finally, community.
We all need people around us who are supportive, positive and buoyant, and who appreciate our sense of aliveness, joy and happiness in life.
And, if we don’t have that you can’t sit there and be a victim saying, Ooh I just have a bad set of parents. I have a bad set of friends. I guess I’m destined to be around a bunch of duds.”
No! Go find a new peer group. Go to a seminar. Go to the church. Go to a volunteer meeting. Go get around people who are positive and who are amazing.
A lot of people will tell you, “Hey you know what, just get rid of all those negative people.” But sometimes your negative people in your life are your mom or your dad, your lover, your spouse, or one of your kid’s is just a little tyrant. You can’t just open the door and say, “Get out of here you little bastard.” It doesn’t work like that.
It’s not about cutting loose all the negative people, of chopping off people and getting rid of them, though maybe there are some people where you need to say, “I don’t need to associate with this person as much in my life anymore or if I do, I don’t need to get so hooked up and trapped into their pools of pessimism.”
What you have to do is say instead, “If I don’t have the supportive peer group, let me go create that. Let me go find those people and get around them.”
Because, as people are cheering you on you gain more confidence.
As people are saying, “Hey you’re doing a good job.” You say, “Yeah I am doing a good job.” You allow yourself to feel that sense of success and sense of integrity, when other people recognize it in you.
Sometimes our greatest confidence is coming from having a community of supporters. So you don’t have to wait for those supporters to show up, go find them. Go mix. Go mingle. Get outside of the house, live life again. As you do that, as you live life again, what do you notice? More integrity, more momentum, more competency, more good people, and suddenly that thing you were hoping one day you found, that you found confidence, no one day you wake up and you found you created it.